ANYA I LOVE YOU
The Bronze was fairly Mickey Mouse, as far as social hotspots went. The blonde at the bar looked fairly Mickey Mouse, too. But Jack needed information, and where life forms and alcohol mixed, information flowed freely.
“Hello, beautiful,” Jack said, sidling up beside her and slipping a fresh drink in front of her. She glanced down at the empty glass in her own hands, rattling the ice with her tiny cocktail straw.
Taking the drink from him, she cocked her head and sucked on the straw, not stopping until the glass was half-empty. When she was done, she blurted out, “I know you.”
Jack suddenly wondered how many drinks she’d already had. “I don’t think so, but we should definitely remedy that right now.” He put on his mega-watt smile. “Captain Jack Harkness, at your service.”
The blonde shook her head. “No, not your name. I didn’t know that. But I know you. Your type.” She looked him up and down. For the first time in his life, Jack Harkness wasn’t positive she liked what she saw. It was disconcerting. “You’re the kind I used to save the special vengeance for. Using the spine as a xylophone, melting eyeballs out of sockets, turning brains to tapioca … that sort of thing.” The words poured out of her like water from a faucet, unfiltered and without the slightest trace of menace.
“Used to?” Jack said. It was a small detail to fixate on – the past tense of that verb – but he wanted to get out of this dive without losing his spine or having his eyeballs melted. Naturally, he wasn’t afraid of dying. He just wasn’t inclined to deal with the pain, and especially not as a result of buying a pretty blonde a drink.
“I can’t make with the brain-meat tapioca anymore,” she said with a dismissive wave of her hand, voice crisp and matter-of-fact. She reminded him of a bird fixating on a worm. “You want something, though. Is it me? Because there are at least two girls at this bar and six girls on the dance floor prettier than me. Is it because of my eyes? They’re brown. Xander talked about my eyes sometimes, when he wanted sex.”
Jack decided that charm wouldn’t help him here; it was an unfamiliar sensation. “I need information, actually. You look like a woman in the know.”
Her forehead wrinkled. “You don’t want sex?”
“Well, I didn’t say that,” Jack replied, giving her his grin again. “Maybe you should tell me your name, beautiful.”
“Oh, right. I’m Anya,” she said with a bright smile in return.
Before Jack could say anything else, a familiar voice interrupted. “Oi, Jack, I told you not to wander off!”
Jack sighed and rolled his eyes at Anya. “Sorry, it’s my keeper.” He turned to the tall, skinny bloke who had appeared beside him at the bar. “Doctor, this is Anya. We were just getting acquainted.”
“Cut that out,” the Doctor said, frowning. “We’re not here to … acquaint … ourselves with anyone.”
“What are you here for, then?” Anya asked, pulling a long sip on the skinny straw and regarding the Doctor pertly.
“Interdimensional instability. Tracking void stuff – there’s a concentration of it around this part of California, and we traced it to the local school, but I can’t seem to –”
“Oh, you mean the Hellmouth?” Anya asked, as though they were morons for not already knowing that particular piece of information.
“Hellmouth?” the Doctor and Jack echoed in unison.
Anya shook her now-empty glass. “I’ll take another one of these, Captain Jack Harkness.” Jack waved over the bartender while she cocked her head at the Doctor. “You’re British. Are you a Watcher? Because the Watcher’s Council already sent a bunch of guys to check up on Buffy, and that didn’t turn out to well for them, let me tell you.” The bartender set a fresh drink in front of her and she picked it up, sucking on the cocktail straw. “I’ll save you some trouble: Buffy’s got everything under control, and Giles isn’t going anywhere. You can just go back to your Council and your crumpets and your tea, and rest assured the Sunnydale Hellmouth is in good hands.”
Giving Jack a sideways look, the Doctor dug into his pocket and pulled out a pair of 3D glasses. He put them on and leaned close to Anya, holding his hand out a few inches away from her hair, as though stroking something no one else could see. “Aha! Void stuff! What are you, then? Interdimensional traveler? Some kind of explorer? A –”
“Vengeance demon,” Anya replied with a shrug. “Well, ex. Like I was telling your friend here.” She paused, eyeing them both. “Are you boys a package deal? Because a few more of these fruity drinks, and we might be in business.”
Jack beamed, looking back and forth between Anya and the Doctor, and began to wave the bartender over.
“Oi, I said cut it out,” the Doctor snapped at him, pushing Jack’s hand down as he stepped closer to Anya. “Vengeance demon, hmm? Is this … Hellmouth … how you came to be here? Do you have a ship?”
“Wait a minute. I have some questions for you, man with the hair.” Anya gestured vaguely at the coiffed mop atop his head. “You’re not from the Watcher’s Council?”
The Doctor puckered his lips. “Never been fond of councils, to be honest. Too pompous for me.”
“But you’re British. And you’re investigating the Hellmouth.”
“Welllllll, not quite British. More Time Lord-ish.”
She stared at him. “Never heard of a Time Lord demon before. What’s your thing? Messing with peoples’ pasts? Changing their futures? Some Christmas Carol–style tinkering?”
“What?” he said, a bit shrilly. “What? No. Not a demon. Just a Time Lord.”
Anya sighed and pulled a cell phone out of her purse. “Right. Jack, buy me another drink. You” – she gestured at the Doctor – “sit your hair and your ego down. I’m calling Giles. He’ll get you sorted out.”
Jack leaned over to the Doctor, waggling his eyebrows and depositing a martini in front of him. “A blonde vengeance demon. This entire situation looks very promising.”
The Doctor sighed and put his head in his hands. “I just want an interdimensional crack between universes and a way to cross the void. Is that too much to ask?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
This fic is for Anna, who has kindly beta-ed so many of my other drabbles. Thank you, thank you, you editing genius. And if you aren’t following her, you should be. She’s amazeballs.
Newark Mayor Cory Booker Responds to a Question about the NJ Marriage Equality Referendum
Booker 2016
See, this is how you talk about it.
You DON’T say “marriage equality is JUST LIKE the separate but equal stuff POC dealt with, come on folks, this is civil rights all over again, gay is the new black!”
You say, “this is a civil rights issue, and it should be a given, not something voted for; this is a minority.”
BRITISH VERSION OF THIS:
1. BOIL THE KETTLE - IF YOU HAVE TO USE A STOVE OR MICROWAVE SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH YOUR HOUSE
2. USE ANY WATER IN EXISTENCE - FUCK FILTERING THAT SHIT YOU DON’T HAVE TIME TO MAKE A PROFILE YOUR SHOW IS BACK ON IN 5 MINUTES PRESS A
3. THROW WHATEVER THE HELL TEABAG YOU HAVE IN THERE - FUCK LOOSE TEA THAT IS FOR WHEN YOU ORDER TEA OUTSIDE
4. USE YOUR STIRRING TEABAG METHOD OF CHOICE, ADD SUGAR/SWEETENER LIKE A BOSS OR NOT IF YOU ARE A HEALTHY BOSS
5. GRUMBLE LIKE A FISHERMAN BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO LEAVE THE KETTLE AREA TO GO TO THE FRIDGE TO GET MILK AND BACK TO IT AGAIN AFTER YOU ADD IT
6. RUN BACK TO WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING, TAKE A COMFORT SIP AND THEN EITHER FINISH IT OR FORGET ABOUT IT AND MOAN ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU LET IT GO COLD
****
EDIT: IF YOU CAN’T SPOT IF NOT FROM THIS ALONE THEN THE NATURE OF MY TUMBLR THAT I’M NOT MAKING A DIG AT HER COMIC SIMPLY POINTING OUT HOW LAZY WE ARE OVER HERE WITH TEA THEN GET OFF THE INTERNET. THE COMIC COVERS ALL TEA OPTIONS. COME AT ME BRO.THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION
JUST GET THE BLOODY BILLY ON THE FIRE AND THROW IN A FISTFUL OF TEA FOR EACH BUGGER AFTER THE WATER BOILS
TAKE OFF FIRE
WAIT UNTIL IT REACHES DESIRED STRENGTH
CAPABLE OF SUPPORTING A SPOON STOOD UPRIGHT IN IT IS IDEAL
WHACK BILLY TO ENCOURAGE SINKING OF TEA LEAVES
POUR IT OUT
ADD AS MUCH MILK AND SUGAR AS YOU LIKE OR NOT AT ALL
VEGEMITE IS ACCEPTABLEDRINK IT DOWN WHILE RIDING OFF INTO THE OUTBACK ON YOUR BIG RED KANGAROO ON A SADDLE MADE OF DROPBEAR PELTS, WITH YOUR TRUSTY BRUMBY PACKING ALONG YOUR SWAG AND A DINGO BY YOUR SIDE
CHEERS MATE
CANADIAN VERSION
WHAT IS ENGLAND DOING?
OK NOW COPY THAT SHIT AND JUST CHANGE A FEW THINGS
NO PUSSY REAL “TEAWARE”, WE HAVE NORMAL COFFEE MUGS FOR THAT SHIT.
USE WHATEVER APPLIANCE YOU WANT TO HEAT THE DAMN WATER, YEAH WE SIGNED OUR FUCKING FREEDOM. NO ONE SAID IT WAS MANDATORY FOR KETTLES!
SIT LIKE A CLASSY MAN/WOMAN AND WAIT FOR IT TO BOIL
EAT SOME BACON
THROW A TEABAG IN THERE, LOOSE TEA IS FOR MY MONARCHIST AUNT.
DUMP SO MUCH SUGAR IN IT THAT YOU GET DIABETES AND SO MUCH MILK THAT YOU’RE GONNA HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE AND MILK THE COW, BETSY.
TAKE A SIP.
SCALD YOURSELF AND ALMOST DROP MUG, SPILLING IT DOWN THE FRONT OF YOUR BACK IN THE PROCESS.
REALIZE TEA ISN’T TOO MUCH OF YOUR THING AND GO BACK TO COFFEE.
AMERICAN VERSION
FIND A CUP(?) (ANY CLEAN, CUP-LIKE INSTRUMENT WILL WORK)
FILL IT WITH TAP WATER
ADD FIVE SPOONFULS OF INSTANT ICED TEA POWDER
STIR THAT SHIT SO HARD YOU SPILL SOME ON THE COUNTER, LET GO OF THE SPOON SO YOU CAN WATCH IT SPIN
DRINK IT AND CHOKE BECAUSE IT’S TOO SWEET
POUR SOME INTO THE SINK AND ADD WATER IN HOPES THAT IT WILL TASTE ACCEPTABLE
REPEAT UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT
ADD ICE CUBES AND A STRAW TO ENHANCE CLASSINESS
FINNISH VERSION
FUCK THE KETTLE, JUST TAKE THE PAIL FROM THE SAUNAIF THE WATER ISN’T BOILING, YOU’RE DOING SOMETHING WRONG
TOSS THE BIRCH VIHTA IN THE WATER AND LET IT SEEP FOR A WHILE
GET A BOTTLE OF VODKA
DRINK THE VODKA
FORGET THE “TEA” UNTIL IT COOLS DOWN
RINSE YOUR NAKED BODY WITH THE BIRCH TEA
GO ROLL IN THE SNOW AND SCREAM FOR YOUR ANCIENT GODS
NORWEGIAN VERSION
BOIL WATER IN ELECTRIC KETTLE
TAKE OUT INSTANT COFFEE
DRINK COFFEE
…WHAT DO YOU MEAN “TEA”?
SOUTHERN VERSION
GET A POT AND PUT SOME WATER AND A BUNCH OF TEA BAGS IN THAT SONOFABITCH
BOIL THAT SHIT
PUT THAT SHIT IN A PITCHER
ADD SUGAR
KEEP ADDING SUGAR
NO, YOU’RE NOT DONE YET
WHEN THE SUGAR HAS REACHED ITS SATURATION POINT AND IS NO LONGER ACTUALLY DISSOLVING IN BOILING WATER THEN YOU’RE DONE
(i am not making this up i know people who make it that way)
FILL THE REST OF THAT SHIT UP WITH WATER AND PUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN THE ICEBOX
ENJOY THAT SHIT WITH A NICE TASTY PLATE OF DEEP-FRIED THINGS
How To Make Tea. In multiple countries.
YOU’RE WELCOME, TUMBLR.
whoa let me butt in for
SOUTHERN BRAZILIAN VERSION
GET A GIGANTIC MEDIEVAL LOOKING CUP AND A METAL STRAW, THEY MUST BE DECORATED WITH WEIRD MEDIEVAL DRAWINGS
FILL IT WITH EXTREMELY BITTER YERBA MATE LEAVES AND THEN POUR THE BOILED WATER AND JUST
DRINK IT
BURN YOUR MOUTH IN THE METAL STRAW
AND THINK OF YOUR ANCESTORS
OKAY.
Experiment. Because I need gifs for what I’m feeling.
If you artwork is featured on here and you don’t want it to be, let me know and I can get rid of the frames (I’ve tagged everyone so they can see). I tried to be inclusive of everybody who’s done something so far!
I’m also thinking of doing some other phrases. Let me know if you have an idea.
REAL GIFFERS (not fake giffers like me): Question…I only have the GIMP and it realllllly doesn’t like me making small-ish sized gifs. This one’s pushing the 1MB limit pretty hard. I’ve used the “Optimize” feature, but… MERHGLKDFS
OKAY SLEEP NOW
(Source: asoftersunnydale)
Doyleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
(Source: urukhai)
Slow Jam The News with President Barack Obama!
This is so so good.I need a gif of that mic drop tho.
Magical Deductions ⚡☂: ok lets see if that thing with glasses chicks suddenly becoming super...
ok lets see if that thing with glasses chicks suddenly becoming super weird feminine when they whip off their glasses works
woop
well that was anticlimatic wait
wait
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
What that is dumb and does not happen.
Look,…
(Source: sassylesbianluka)
Rose as Joan Jett / the Doctor as David Bowie (Thin White Duke era)
(inspired by this fun piece of fic: Gallifrey Records by gallifreyburning and allrightfine!)
(Source: hazycosmiclove)
PRODUCER: THAT GUY YOU LOVE TO MAKE FISTSHAKE.GIFS ABOUT
STARRING: A MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE WHITE ACTOR, ANOTHER MODERATELY ATTRACTIVE WHITE ACTOR, AND SOME BACKGROUND LADIES I GUESS
SYNOPSIS: WHO GIVES A FUCK
fandom’s new favourite show you guys, txt it
